I was born in a very nice family. My parents were able to provide me a good life and good education, but they gave me more than that. They have been well respected by people for dedicating all their life in helping the poors and the underserved people, and they expected me to follow their footstep. Therefore, ever since I was little, I have believed that I would be a chosen one to do something great to make this world better!
Nevertheless, I have been not doing well since I graduated from college. It is really a mystery to me, because I should have everything needed to be successful, I work very hard, and I am also considered a nice guy by the people around me. I feel kind of running in the circle all the time.
That is why I was very touched when I talked to the pastor. He told me all my effort in the past was just like dealing with the devil, because the devil would only give me temporary satisfaction, but if I believe in God, He would promise me the happiness that lasts forever.
I feel that is exactly what happened to me. I have been a PhD student in this very prestigious program in a nice public university, and I was supposed to have a very good future ahead of me. However, I chose a wrong professor who kept delaying my graduation time. There was no way for me to know this professor is wrong, because when I entered his lab, everything was very nice, and I was getting along with him very well until when I was supposed to graduate.
I have suffered a lot because of not being able to graduate. The girl who was about to be my girlfriend became someone's girlfriend because I could not keep the promise of my graduation time. I also lost a very nice job opportunity because it required me to graduate at a certain time. The pastor said even I had planned everything very well, just one little wrong thing could ruin everything in my life, because we are all too weak to face the life, and that is why we must rely on God's help.
The pastor then told me so much about how God took care of him. God did not just help him spiritually, but actually went into details to guide him for everything in his daily life. Now he owns a house worth a lot more than its original value with all mortgage paid. He has a happy marriage and a happy family. I was impressive that even his parents could not provide him very much like my parents did for me when he grew up. God has provided him everything to live in happiness. I thought maybe God was calling me through the pastor, since I always believed I am a chosen one for something great.
At beginning, I did feel blessed. My situation with the professor was better, and I even met a new girl who seemed to be arranged by the God! There were signs from the God everywhere! I was motivated and I went to church more and more frequently, and I enjoy hanging out with church friends and listening to their stories about how God changed them. I even wanted to get involved in the church work when I graduated.
Ironically, after I baptized in last December, everything just went down again! I still could not graduate at my planned time, and the new girl became distant from me, very likely because I did not graduate at the right time. (I was almost 40, and I guess girls close to my age are all looking for someone who can have stable income) It appears that I am still running in the circle, so where is God's blessing? It took a lot of courage for me to be a Christian, but now I truly feel I am fooled, like someone is playing some kind of practical joke on me.
The pastor said I did not follow the God's way, and I was really unhappy about it, because if I did anything wrong, God should have let me know and of course I would repent. Aren't we human all sinned, desperately needing the God's guidance? I also felt very bad when the pastor told me that maybe God wants me to give up my PhD. All my friends think that is ridiculous.
I actually feel much worse than before. I used to be an atheist with Buddhist preference, believing all my misfortune was due to my bad karma, so I was able to accept bad things. However, the pastor told me there is no karma and God would give me a happy life no matter what, so now I cannot even figure out why I do not receive any happiness. I start to feel unworthy about myself, so I am in the depressed mood all the time.
I really cannot understand why God does this to me. I am ready to do God's work spending time to help the needed just like what my parents always did, but God prevents me receiving the resource that my parents have and expect me to have too. I am even prevented from participating in the church activities because of so many troubles in my life now. I feel God is pushing me away.
I also found so many conflicts between myself and the church that I was not aware before, especially the emphasis of the end time. Suddenly I just felt so wrong about the church that I felt so right before. I dont know why God would lead me to this church only to let me find out I cannot stay here anymore.
I pray the God to let me graduate soon and go to a new place and find a new church, but after many months have passed by, I am still here. I don't know why God still keeps me here. I really need His guidance, and I really need a new church. I really need to go to Sunday worship and bible study groups again. Otherwise I might fall out of my faith gradually. I hope God does not plan to forsake me.
